Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
The red rage. It’s rage not anger.
That has been the most surprising and the most difficult for me to deal with. Maybe because it is so unexpected and I don’t consider myself an angry person. It comes swiftly and can be dehilbilitating. Maybe it’s anxiety and anger mixed together. Sometimes the anger only last a few minutes or thoughts but sometimes like this time it shakes me to my core and takes me days to wrestle through. When it consumes my body, mind and soul it’s difficult to shake. This time seemingly has been the most intense feeling and longest in duration.
Much like anxiety, anger can have physical effects and be taxing to my body and soul. At times I have been known to mad clean the house or worry clean. Take the mad or the worry then channel that into cleaning. My kitchen floor is cleanest during the Alabama at LSU games. But this grief rage demands destruction not cleaning or purging. Last night I laid in bed wanting to physically destroy something with my bare hands to rid my body of the anger. I want to physically transfer the anger energy from myself to the outside. *Discalimer- I in no way want to harm myself or another human or living thing. I’m talking like breaking all the dishes or maybe something more productive such as chopping down a dead tree or problematic vines.
Just to be clear this anger is not directed at anyone in particular. This is no ones fault. If anyone’s it’s my own not the loss of our baby but simply the my own response to external factors. I can not control people or anything in this world except my own reactions. But dang that’s hard, right?
Sometimes it’s brought on by people or their actions or my perception of their actions or events. This time it’s probably a combination of working a good deal last week, I keep having bad dreams lately nightmares you might say a few days ago I dreamed I was pregnant again and we lost the baby and it was bloody and graphic and in my head for days, people’s actions, spending out anniversary not how I pictured it aka snuggled up with our baby girl, the notion that the holidays are barreling to us at an alarming speed, again Thanksgiving and Christmas won’t look how I expected them to look, how I dreamed about them looking and that is devastating.
I’m a dreamer. I live in my head. I am one of those people that can drive somewhere and then realize I don’t remember driving there because I am thinking the entire time about something else. So in the time between January 2 when those two pink lines appeared and March 2, I had done some major dreaming. Specifically about Christmas with our new, squishy babe. I had it all planned out what her first Christmas would be like. And now that’s not going to be so quite honestly I want to run and hide from it. So this year during a time of the year that’s generally my favorite and I am thriving. Courage is going to be waking up mid January and still be breathing.
I also realized that litterally every weekend between now and Mid January we have something to do. Granted some of them are fun, lovely life giving things with people we love but commitments none the less. If your calendar gets too full even with fun stuff then it can become life sucking instead of life giving for anyone especially an introvert and homebody. I’m making myself go to the 8 pm kick off tomorrow night because it probably the first and last Bama home game I’ll make it to this year. Being in Bryant-Denny Stadium is something that is in my blood and bring me great joy. Umm, what the hell? Also, the things we should be doing, people we need to visit, to do list, the should do list and all the people who aren’t getting the attention from me they deserve (aka everyone in my life) rage on in my head. Which leaves me feeling like I am gulping for air but can not find any oxygen.
Everyone has a flaws, and often the best thing about you may also be the worst. One of mine can be fatal. My fatal flaw is being a people pleaser. I want everyone I love to be happy and feel loved and appreciated and cherished and I feel like my job to make sure that happens. And if I fail my life will be without purpose. And honestly it doesn’t even have to be people I love o want everyone to enjoy a good time. WHAT A DUMBY?I must be crazy right? Right, seriously I know. I told you fatal flaw. It’s something I am working on because stressing over someone else’s happiness has been known to make me physically ill and ummm unhappy…
So on top of grieving my Riley Kate, let me worry about everyone else. And there it is again, the world moves on while you are still realing from tragedy. Only this time I feel like with pregnancy loss the world tracks away faster and expects you to catch up and keep up. Occasionally it’s those seemingly closest to you. Because after all it’s pregnancy loss, not the loss of your CHILD according to most of the world. Wrong. My baby died. So do not expect me to be ok anytime soon or probably ever. Or at least not the same as I was before.
If your still reading thanks for hanging with me. Hoping pushing out the words will help cool the angry. Here’s hoping it reaches someone else who needs to not feel alone. I know I could use some company.
So this is your loving reminder if you are there in the grief, the anger, the denial, the depression, and in the wake of tragedy you are not alone. I’m here too and there are so many variations of normal. Give yourself grace and love. If you need to take out a timeout for yourself do it. If you need to let some people down or be disappointed in you in order for you to breath, then do it. You can’t take care of a single cell of another living thing if you are unwell yourself. If you need a night alone and to go to bed at 6pm to chase away the tired. Do it. If you need to find away to let go of all the expectations yours and others. Then find away. When you do call me and tell me. If you need to turn off your phone and social media and the tv to quiet your headspace. Then do it. If you need to let go of some shifts at work which means letting go of some money so you can rest. Then do it. You will find a way to make it work financially. If you need to skip Christmas this year so you can just to manage to not to die from the pain then do it. Skip it. God and Jesus are crying with you. They will understand.