I know as well as everyone else a due date means not too much of anything other than a guideline or educated guess. Babies can come 18 weeks, 10 weeks, 10 days, 2 weeks early or 1 day, 1 weeks or 2 weeks late. And anywhere in between. But September 7, 2017 is ingrained in my heart as the day we were supposed to meet you.
Instead you are tucked inside my heart, cuddled up with God, walking in the forest with Papa, getting spoiled by all your relatives and dancing on the dunes with Grammie and Granddaddy. Some days my heart is at peace with that. Some days, like today, I’m so consumed with anger that I am sure my eyes have turned red like a cartoon character. At times my entire body turns green as it is consumed with envy of all those Heavenly loved ones getting to hold you right now. Since you got your wings on occasion my mind has toed the line about how easily my soul could slip to the other side to be with you. Grief is like that. I have learned a lot this year about grief, it’s fluid motion and life in general. More than any other death of a loved one or hard thing (and I feel we have had our share of hard things) has ever taught me.
***Lovies if you are in this place constantly, frequently or this moment feels too deep even please reach out. Get help. You are loved and you are not alone. You can contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 18002738255. For long term support try contacting your local churches or hospital. If you need help finding support contact me and I’ll help you find someone. ***Dear loved ones do not take alarm at this. I am ok. It’s a very real thing that happens to people at times. I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. I see a counselor on a regular basis (as should everyone on earth) and I have a wonderful loving support system. And I could never share with anyone about any thoughts or feelings I have had over the past twenty weeks, but that is not how we love and grow and support one another. Also please see the disclaimer on the about page about I am not writing to get attention but to bring awareness and I pray I reach some other struggling love and help them think, “oh her too I’m not so alone or crazy.”
Things had somewhat gotten “easier” so to say but now as we are approaching September 7 I feel my body and mind starting to brace for impact. The emotions and feelings about this day coming up in six weeks torment me. What’s it going to be like? How will I feel? What will I feel everyday after that knowing she is supposed to be in our arms? Normal life giving things that happen after September 7, it’s hard to go there to get excited and plan for those things. For they were supposed to look so very different. Greek Festival? We were supposed to be reigning at home like princesses having Daddy, Auntie Bear, and Uncle Teddy delivering us a plate of Greek food and a plate of Greek pastries at least once a day if not twice. Football season? You had a crimson swaddle, houndstooth quilt and football onesie/hat tucked in the closet already. Clearly Mommy was ready for a winterstorm of a Football season instead of the usual so hot you need to strip babes down to their diapers season. Pepperplace? A vegetable swaddle to sneak off with mommy on Saturday mornings before Daddy even peeps his eyes open. -Here is where Mommy admits she has a swaddle collecting problem and does not need any new swaddles for your siblings and your cousins probably don’t either as they will have many quality Little Unicorn handmedowns.- Christmas? Forget about it. I can’t even. My mind and heart instantly shut down in a self preservation move.
No one has an answer to those questions and that is ok. Glennon Doyle says it best, “We don’t need a magician to take it all away- we just need a witness.” Thanks for being my witnesses, helping me carry this emptiness, and loving me unconditionally. And if you are in need of a witness, love or friend reach out and let me help you. We were never meant to walk this earth alone.
I have some things planned for Squirt’s Celebration Day. Some random and not so random acts of love to spread your love around the world. I am a firm believer that your deepest darkest places of pain can be the very places that help you breathe life, hope and love into someone else’s deepest darkest places. And that the action of breathing life, hope and love into someone else’s deepest darkest pain pockets just might be the healing balm that soothes yours.