Disclaimer: This story is my story, thoughts and opinions. Therefore my thoughts and opinions do not apply to everyone who has walked a similar road as us. They might need and want and feel something completely different. But I am hoping to open up conversation, acceptance and how to better love and care for the that have walked a similar path. In fact I hope some of my thoughts and meandering can be “cross training” for other difficult situations you may encounter. If you have walked a road similar to ours, I carry your heart with me. You are not alone. No matter how different our stories might be. I am here for you. My story is mine and yours is yours. One story is not harder, sadder, scarier, longer, or deeper than another story. They are just different and what a beautiful, broken world that creates for us. I am not perfect and my husband is not perfect. But I do not believe in speaking negatively of him especially in a way that the entire world can read. So even though my post will generally always highlight the positive of him and our relationship please know we are not perfect. I am certainly not creating this space to feel better about myself and less of anyone else, so please don’t compare my highlight real to your behind the scenes. We are not perfect and we mess up and struggle just like everyone else in the world. So don’t for a second belittle yourself and compare us to you. Different is beautiful not better. 😘 Also please forgive my spelling and grammar in this space. You will see my thoughts and heart and dreams here but you will not see perfect English.
We are less than one week away from another bittersweet, oxymoron holiday. Father’s Day. A day meant to celebrate those who have loved us, taught us and raised us. But also a day that reminds so many of the lost dads, single dads, single moms who are daddy and mommy, the estranged relationships, the lost babies and even the longing for babies. The world as a whole does a terrible job holding close mamas with angel babies. I still can’t quite wrap my brain around why it’s so taboo and hush hush. But slowly I see it getting better and hopefully by sharing our experience I’m helping out. But you know where we completely drop the ball and leave out a whole host of people who need love, comfort and support. Daddies of heavenly babies. Just as women become moms the moment they see that positive pregnancy test daddies are created in that exact moment as well. Not in the delivery room or after the adoption is complete but long before. Some even have daddy hearts long before a positive test when the life is a flicker of hope in their eyes and a dream in their hearts.
We degrade men when we stereotype them as having the inability to be emotional or sensitive. We assume mama is an emotional wreck and daddy is strong, solemn, unattached and not affected after the death of a baby. Perhaps it’s not their lack of ability to be emotional or the lack of feelings but our lack of support, resources, love and space for them to process and be safe in their grief. Society does all kinds of boxing in and stereotyping for ALL the people of the world. I’m just going to focus on this one tiny area today (again see disclaimer). We tell the men of the world that they are our protectors and they are strong and they don’t cry. WHY does “being emotional” have a bad, weak attachment to it? I believe the more emotional a person is the more love and passion and praise a person has. Isn’t that more of what this world needs people who’s souls are on fire with purpose and love? Grief and emotional processing are proof that you loved and cherished something valuable.
Daddies are the unsung heros of pregnancy. (Again see disclaimer I recognize that not all families are daddy/mommy and that all mommies have such a good support system) Sure it’s my body that houses and grows life. It’s my body that expands and changes. It’s my body that feels horrific and vomits all the time. Daddies may not feel the instant connection we feel to the life we are growing but they are connected. After all he had a part in this whole deal too. Daddies endure the mood swings. They love your growing, changing body even when our eyes deceive us. They get up at 2 am or 3 pm and anytime in between to check on us while we vomit our toenails up. They cater to our food cravings. ~Except that one time when I asked for Gutherie’s fries and a Burger King cheeseburger and he came home with Dariy Queen fries and cheeseburger because it’s just as good right? Pro tip daddies it’s not. Bring home the food she wants or don’t come home til you do. 🤣😘 just kidding…sort of…Dads buy you one lunch and immediately buy you a second lunch after you finish throwing up said first lunch. They hold you while you cry. They tell you it’s ok you don’t have to ever get pregnant again when you say you can’t because you won’t survive if you have to go through losing another baby again. They take care of you while your insides flow freely from your body. They give you grace upon grace when your too depressed/sad/tired/ overwhelmed to get out of bed. Daddies listen while you question the existence of God and all things good in this world. Daddies dream and plan and care for that life growing inside you too. Daddies love, therefore daddies hurt too.
So I challenge you this Father’s Day to create a safe, loving environment for the daddies with heavenly babies and the daddies that have daddy hearts with no physical child yet, to grieve. Celebrate them. Validate their feelings. Flood their day with grace and love and remembrance. Bring them to tears with all the love they receive. Send them a card, call them, text them, send them a present, love them big and love them hard this weekend. It’s only Tuesday still plenty of time for you to make some magic happen. Show up for them beyond their wildest dreams. Blow their expectations out of the water. Carry their heart. Carry their emptiness for it’s too great a weight to bear alone. Love the daddies with a heart full of both love and brokenness and empty arms. For they are still daddies too.